“It’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.” – Steve Jobs
Saying no to a friend, coworker, loved one, or even your manager can be awkward and uncomfortable but is a skill that many of us need to develop. Refusing a request can be done in a way that maintains relationships and doesn’t blanket you with guilt.
Patti Breitman says in her book, “How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty, ”Saying no comfortably and without guilt requires you to really think about what you stand for. Why are you saying no? As you learn to eliminate unwanted obligations from your life, what are you making room for? When you can identify and embrace your priorities and focus on what you want more of—for example, time with the family, money for an important project or cause—you feel more justified saying no in order to pursue those goals.”
When we say yes but really want to say no, we are focused on pleasing others to the potential detriment of our time, our wellbeing, and our boundaries.
Patti Breitman says in her book, “How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty, ”Saying no comfortably and without guilt requires you to really think about what you stand for. Why are you saying no? As you learn to eliminate unwanted obligations from your life, what are you making room for? When you can identify and embrace your priorities and focus on what you want more of—for example, time with the family, money for an important project or cause—you feel more justified saying no in order to pursue those goals.”
When we say yes but really want to say no, we are focused on pleasing others to the potential detriment of our time, our wellbeing, and our boundaries.
The tips below can help you define and adhere to your personal boundaries.
1. Buy Some Time
Often, people pressure us into making a decision right now. We’ve all been pressured by a salesperson to purchase a product or service NOW to take advantage of a great deal and then immediately had buyer’s remorse. The same can occur when a friend, coworker, or family member makes such a time-sensitive request.
During times like these, the best thing we can do is to buy more time to evaluate the request and make a decision when you are not under pressure. Offer a response such as, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you,” or “Let me think about that-I’ll let you know.” Be sure to offer these as statements given in a pleasant tone of voice NOT questions asking for permission.
1. Buy Some Time
Often, people pressure us into making a decision right now. We’ve all been pressured by a salesperson to purchase a product or service NOW to take advantage of a great deal and then immediately had buyer’s remorse. The same can occur when a friend, coworker, or family member makes such a time-sensitive request.
During times like these, the best thing we can do is to buy more time to evaluate the request and make a decision when you are not under pressure. Offer a response such as, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you,” or “Let me think about that-I’ll let you know.” Be sure to offer these as statements given in a pleasant tone of voice NOT questions asking for permission.
Image by nile from Pixabay
2. Have a Personal Policy
When we have predetermined, established rules by which we live, it allows us to more easily make decisions and people are more apt to accept and respect our response.
Breitman offers this example, “…suppose a friend asks for a loan you don’t want to extend. Utter the phrase “Sorry, I have a policy about not lending money,” and your refusal immediately sounds less personal. In all kinds of situations, invoking a policy adds weight and seriousness when you need to say no. It implies that you’ve given the matter considerable thought on a previous occasion and learned from experience that what the person is requesting is unwise. It can also convey that you’ve got a prior commitment you can’t break. When you turn down an invitation by saying, “Sorry, I can’t come—it’s our policy to have dinner together as a family every Friday night,” it lets the other person know that your family ritual is carved in stone.”
3. Use the Broken Record Technique
If you’ve stated that you are unable to compile with someone’s request and they continue to try to change your mind, the best thing you can do is calmly repeat your initial response. “Sorry, I can’t help you with that.” This reinforces your position, teaches your persistence while letting others that you can’t be bargained with. Don’t engage in negotiations, which can wear you down and get you to give in.
4. Reference Your Commitment to Others
The previous technique is best used with someone with whom you don’t have a close relationship. For people close to you, one of the best ways to refuse a request without sounding uncaring or selfish is to structure your response in terms of, “If I helped you, I’d be letting others down.” When we refer to others when declining a request, we preserve our image as giving and caring, reveals a study by Hannah Riley Bowles and Linda Babcock.
5. Make a Counteroffer
If someone makes a request and you want to help but can’t give them the amount of time, money, etc. they are asking for, offer a compromise. This should be used ONLY in situations where you would like to help but need to modify the initial request. Counteroffers should not be utilized as a way to appease or bargain with the other person because you are fearful of giving a definitive no.
“I’d be happy to make a donation to your cause, I can contribute $50.”
“I’m available between 1pm and 4pm on Sunday to help you move.”
“I don’t have enough expertise in that area but I do know someone who may be able to help.”
It is important to stick to our personal boundaries and principles but in doing so, we can also be kind. Saying no in a straightforward but gentle manner avoids hurt feelings or the potential for rejection.
Of course, it is always a possibility the other person may get upset at your denial of their request. Although it is important you stick with your decision and not let their emotional state sway you into an obligatory yes, you can make them feel heard and understood. Accept and acknowledge their disappointment by listening in an open, honest, and kind manner.
Article excerpt from bakadesuyo.com
When we have predetermined, established rules by which we live, it allows us to more easily make decisions and people are more apt to accept and respect our response.
Breitman offers this example, “…suppose a friend asks for a loan you don’t want to extend. Utter the phrase “Sorry, I have a policy about not lending money,” and your refusal immediately sounds less personal. In all kinds of situations, invoking a policy adds weight and seriousness when you need to say no. It implies that you’ve given the matter considerable thought on a previous occasion and learned from experience that what the person is requesting is unwise. It can also convey that you’ve got a prior commitment you can’t break. When you turn down an invitation by saying, “Sorry, I can’t come—it’s our policy to have dinner together as a family every Friday night,” it lets the other person know that your family ritual is carved in stone.”
3. Use the Broken Record Technique
If you’ve stated that you are unable to compile with someone’s request and they continue to try to change your mind, the best thing you can do is calmly repeat your initial response. “Sorry, I can’t help you with that.” This reinforces your position, teaches your persistence while letting others that you can’t be bargained with. Don’t engage in negotiations, which can wear you down and get you to give in.
4. Reference Your Commitment to Others
The previous technique is best used with someone with whom you don’t have a close relationship. For people close to you, one of the best ways to refuse a request without sounding uncaring or selfish is to structure your response in terms of, “If I helped you, I’d be letting others down.” When we refer to others when declining a request, we preserve our image as giving and caring, reveals a study by Hannah Riley Bowles and Linda Babcock.
5. Make a Counteroffer
If someone makes a request and you want to help but can’t give them the amount of time, money, etc. they are asking for, offer a compromise. This should be used ONLY in situations where you would like to help but need to modify the initial request. Counteroffers should not be utilized as a way to appease or bargain with the other person because you are fearful of giving a definitive no.
“I’d be happy to make a donation to your cause, I can contribute $50.”
“I’m available between 1pm and 4pm on Sunday to help you move.”
“I don’t have enough expertise in that area but I do know someone who may be able to help.”
It is important to stick to our personal boundaries and principles but in doing so, we can also be kind. Saying no in a straightforward but gentle manner avoids hurt feelings or the potential for rejection.
Of course, it is always a possibility the other person may get upset at your denial of their request. Although it is important you stick with your decision and not let their emotional state sway you into an obligatory yes, you can make them feel heard and understood. Accept and acknowledge their disappointment by listening in an open, honest, and kind manner.
Article excerpt from bakadesuyo.com
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