<![CDATA[Carol Adamski

<![CDATA[Carol Adamski - Blog]]>Wed, 26 Jun 2024 16:16:38 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Great Expectations]]>Sat, 23 Apr 2022 23:00:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/great-expectationsExpectations are resentments waiting to happen. - Anne Lamott

Our expectations determine our experience. And more often than not, reality doesn't live up to our expectations.

By definition, expectations are the hope of what may be.

We expect to lose 15 pounds, get that big promotion, ace that exam, or make X salary.

We expect our spouse/partner to make dinner, notice the dirty countertop, or cheer us on while running a marathon.

We expect our coworker to be detail-oriented, inquire about our weekend, or volunteer to help with an important project.

We expect our manager to express appreciation for our exemplary work and provide helpful constructive feedback.

We expect our vacation to be a dream trip filled with excitement, romance, sunkissed days and star-filled evenings.

Instead, we experience something very different. An ongoing battle with the scale, a solid B on the exam, a different promotion, and falling short of that income increase.

An ongoing battle with the scale, a solid B on the exam, a different promotion, and falling short of that income increase.

Our spouse/partner orders in and shows no interest in standing for hours on the sidelines in the heat while we run that marathon.

Our coworker shares details about their weekend without asking about ours and never inquires about collaborating on that big assignment.

Our manager provides harsher critique than we'd like and their appreciation seems in short supply.

And that vacation...our credit card was stolen, it rained two of the six days, and the babysitter canceled last minute, putting a crimp in the romance.

Ah...expectations.... We set ourselves up for disappointment and resentment by anticipating that reality will unfurl the way we desire.

Expectations are our way of attempting to control outcomes by predetermining results. The flaw in this common practice is we only have control over ourselves; we have no control over others or the reality of our environment.

A far better practice is openly communicating and collaborating with others to arrive at a mutually agreed-upon outcome. This may not meet 100% of expectations but is far more likely to produce desired results because you've got buy-in.

Another practice is to "go with the flow" and allow yourself to be curious about outcomes.

Let's look at that "expectation vacation:" Becoming invested in the perfect getaway takes an incredible amount of mental, physical, and emotional energy, and truthfully, is something over which you don't have total control.

Mother Nature doesn't care if you've decided the days should be a balmy 73 degrees. If she's got a snowstorm planned, guess who will win that weather war? (Hint: not you.)

Living in and embracing the moment and all the unanticipated surprises life offers removes the burden of our expectations. It peels away the impossible perfection and enables us to appreciate what is, flaws and all.

Expectations hold us and others back, setting everyone and everything up to fall far short. Curiosity, living in the moment, and setting realistic, flexible objectives creates an agile space where everyone - including you - can flourish and grow.

]]><![CDATA[How We Converse: More Than Meets the Ear]]>Sat, 26 Mar 2022 21:00:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/how-we-converse-more-than-meets-the-earHave you ever been in a conversation with someone, and it was so easy and fun? When it was over, you walked away thinking, "Wow! What a great conversation!" How about exchanges that feel awkward, or maybe you felt misunderstood and frustrated?

Communication is an essential part of life. We communicate with family, friends, strangers, coworkers, and many others.

We share information, solve problems, agree on a course of action, and socialize through communication.

Yet so often, because of different styles of communicating, our meaning and intention may be lost or misinterpreted by others, leading to misunderstandings and, at times, conflict.

American author and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, Deborah Tannen, writes about these style differences. We all have different ways we communicate that are forged from our culture, gender, socialization, and geography, to name a few of our conversational influences.

Conversational styles are personal and unpredictable, states Tannen, but typically men and women have different outcomes when it comes to communicating.

Women more often engage in more collaborative conversational styles. There is a give and take when speaking and listening, with participants building off one another's ideas. It's inclusive and supportive, focusing on connection and compromise rather than conflict.

Men more frequently employ a competitive conversational model. The desired outcome is to be seen as an expert or authority, stressing individuality and claiming power and status. There are more monologues than back and forth dialogue in this style.

These styles are socially ingrained at a young age. Girls frequently interact and play in small groups or one-on-one. Activities are typically structured and non-competitive. The desire is to create and maintain close relationships. Young boys more often play in larger groups where activities are more competitive. These hierarchical interactions teach boys to assert their position and attract an audience rather than forge individual close friendships.

These skills continue into adulthood. Women tend to ask more questions, take turns talking and listening, provide support and agreement through backchanneling, such as nodding or offering uh-huhs. Gentle and polite, females focus on community and cooperation, preferring to resolve issues through compromise than confrontation. Rapport, connections, and closeness are all negotiated and achieved through this collaborative conversational style.

Adult males often engage in more forceful, to-the-point, and authoritative conversations. This learned conversation style aims to avoid failure, preserve independence, negotiate and maintain status, and rise to control the conversation. The comments of others may be disregarded, and males tend to use little to no backchanneling.

Tanner states that neither is right or wrong; they are simply different.

Tannen describes how conversations can go wrong on a Hidden Brain podcast episode, Why Conversations Go Wrong.

She discusses how people have differing ideas about how long a pause should be before jumping in to speak. For some people, like herself, pauses in speech only need to be relatively short before being a green light for others to pick up the conversation. Other people require longer speech gaps, or they feel as though they've been interrupted.

Tannen also points to how someone with a collaborative style often gets interrupted or shut down when speaking with an individual using a more competitive manner of speaking.

People typically have either rapport or reporting conversational styles. Individuals, frequently women, with a rapport style may ask a question rather than make a statement.

For example, if you need to decide on a place to eat lunch, someone with a rapport style may ask, "What do you feel like for lunch today?" while an individual with a reporting style would state, "Let's go to that pizza place for lunch."

Those with rapport styles start by offering a general question to gauge the temperature of what others want. People who default to a reporting style prefer to be transparent with their communication.

But, even this can go awry if you have two people with two different styles. If the rapport person asks, "Where shall we go to lunch?" and the reporting person replies, "Let's go to the pizza place," the first person may feel like what they hoped would be a conversation. They were most likely hoping their question would spark a conversation that arrives at a mutually agreed-upon restaurant. At the same time, the person who wants pizza interpreted the question as needing a specific answer.

Even intention can be misconstrued. For example, when a mother suggests her daughter wear something different, the mother's intent is most likely to protect her daughter: Through experience, she understands that women are judged on their appearance. Of course, the mom wants to help her daughter avoid any public discomfort based on her clothing. But her daughter detects a very different message - one of disapproval.

Realizing that there are many ingrained reasons we each develop unique communication styles can help us take a step back and realize that not everyone has the same manner of speaking and listening. Every gender, every person, every nationality has distinct communication customs and styles. It pays to take that into account to avoid frustration and misinterpretation.

When engaging in conversation, it's helpful to understand our style and attempt to glean insights into the techniques of others. Especially for mixed-gender interactions, it may mean working to adapt to the styles of those around you. If you get interrupted, speak up and inform the person you will finish your train of thought. If you are an interrupter, strive to actively listen rather than forming your next reply.

Communication isn't easy, but it is necessary. Read Deborah Tannen's books or listen to the podcast episode to learn more about communication styles and communicative competence.

]]><![CDATA[Uptalk: The Way Women Speak has Benefits]]>Fri, 25 Feb 2022 20:00:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/uptalk-the-way-women-speak-has-benefitsBelow is an excerpt from an article published by InHerSight and written by Cara Hutto that delves into the topic of uptalk.

If this term is new to you, it basically refers to the tone and pattern of female speech. For years, women have been counseled to shift and alter their normal way of speaking to be "better heard and taken seriously" by speaking with more masculine speech patterns. But this article challenges this advice, saying that women shouldn't have to shape shift to better fit within a patriarchal environment.

Uptalk & the Important of Normalizing Women's Speech Patterns

Uptalk, also called upspeak, is a linguistic term usually associated with how women speak. Many professionals advise women to eliminate the style of speaking entirely in order to be taken seriously in and out of the workplace, but this ill-advised guidance stems from patriarchal, sexist beliefs.

Here, we’ll walk through what uptalk is, how it's often perceived in the workplace, research on its benefits (yes, really), and the importance of normalizing women's speech patterns.

What is uptalk?
Dr. Kami Anderson, an interculturalist and linguist, says, “Uptalk is a lilt that is commonly used to soften communication. It’s a way that people use paralanguage, or the sound of their voice and intonations, to appear more friendly, personable, and approachable.”

Basically, it’s when sentences have a rising intonation at the end that causes statements to sound like questions. And although it’s used by both men and women, women seem to draw the short straw when it comes to criticism of the speaking style. Uptalk can even become a protection mechanism for women in order to avoid coming across as overbearing or bossy—sexist adjectives commonly used to undermine women leaders.

Another related linguistic style is called a vocal fry, a style in which a voice is dropped to its lowest natural register, which produces a creaking sound. And due to sexist ideas of what professionalism means, women are deemed unprofessional when their voice doesn’t fit into what is expected of them in male-dominated spaces.

How uptalk is perceived
Research shows that uptalk is generally perceived in a negative way. One study showed that young adult women voices containing a vocal fry are perceived as less competent, less educated, less trustworthy, less attractive, and less hirable.

Anderson says that the misconception about uptalk is that it’s a demonstration of a lack of confidence, when really, it’s subconsciously intended to not offend the receiver of the speech and welcomes feedback. She says, “We begin to perceive the ways in which we show empathy or compassion with our voices as a weakness, when in actuality it is a demonstration of our ability to consider the perception of others in the workplace. Socialization has indeed made the practice of uptalk more noticeable in women because it is perceived as a gendered communication trait, but...that perception is an extension of the patriarchal practices we find consistently in the workplace.”

That’s right, the harsh judgement and overt tone policing that accompany uptalk are all due to patriarchal expectations that still exist in society. Anderson says, “Patriarchal practices infer that the ‘male way’ is to be forceful, unapologetic, and commanding in all communicative situations and any deviation from that is inherently ‘feminine’ and can hinder success. This is a fatalistic trope in the workplace.”

But, are there benefits?
Let’s pause for a moment. Is there any positive research that shows uptalk as beneficial?

Yes, actually. Despite being regarded as an annoying, unconfident style of speaking, uptalk is actually a valuable communication tool. One study in Hong Kong found that meeting chairs—the most powerful people in the room—used rising intonation three to seven times more often than their subordinates did, suggesting that uptalk is useful in asserting leadership qualities.

Uptalk allows a speaker to keep their conversation partners engaged and attentive, which automatically demands respect. It’s an easy way to allow leaders to offer ideas to a group in a collaborative manner, rather than imposing demands, and establishes an environment of equality where leaders are also listeners. Other research shows that uptalking serves as a way of holding the floor and discourages interrupting.

Normalizing women’s speech patterns
Women are constantly policed for the tone and delivery of their speech. It’s a catch-22 where we’re told that we apologize too much, say “like” too much, and sound too submissive, yet we’re simultaneously told to not be too assertive or commanding. Not only is it unfair to judge someone solely based on their voice or tone, research shows that altering your speech at work can impair your ability to solve complex problems, generate ideas, and maintain personal investment in your work.

In and out of the workplace, we have to acknowledge that there are linguistic differences in the way that all people speak and that there isn't just one correct way to speak. It’s important to remain open-minded and receptive to linguistic trends and start examining our own language biases and prejudices. Women don’t need to “talk like men” in order to be respected.

Anderson says, “Normalizing [women’s] presence, which has been in the workplace for decades now, includes normalizing the ways we speak that are unique. True inclusivity requires acceptance of the whole person—our bodies, our work styles, and our speech patterns.”

Click here to read the article in its entirety and to learn more about Kami Anderson.

]]><![CDATA[Completing the Stress Cycle]]>Sun, 23 Jan 2022 02:30:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/completing-the-stress-cycleAlmost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes- including you. - Anne Lamott

Stress is a common experience. We encounter stress at work, at home, in our social lives, and relationships.

As defined by socratic.org, stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances, whereas stressors are the factors that cause stress.

In the book, Burnout, The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, authors Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, reveal that removing the stressor doesn't negate the stress. To alleviate or mitigate the stress we feel in our mind and body, we have to move through the emotional stress cycle.

This insight is valuable because there are often stressors in our lives over which we have no control.

We have jobs or work in environments that are highly stressful. We caretake others, and our compassion fatigue results in intense emotional, mental, and physical burdens. We struggle financially to make ends meet. Our family is unsettled and tumultuous.

Whatever the situation, stressors are, more often than not, immovable. This means, feeling and dealing with stress is constant.

Some stress is healthy, but chronic stress is not good for our overall well-being. We can dial down its negative impact by employing ways to move our body through the stress cycle.

Emily Nagoski Ph.D. likens our emotional and physical reactions to stress like a tunnel. She states that we often enter the tunnel and get stuck in the middle. Being stuck perpetuates and amplifies our stress rather than reducing it. But, when we complete the cycle by exiting the tunnel, our mind and body can relax and release. This cycle completion has the same effect as unplugging our tech devices when they go haywire-it resets them just as exiting the tunnel resets our emotions.

The book offers six evidence-based secrets to unlocking the stress cycle.

Moving your body
Breathing
Crying
Laughing
Affection
Creativity

Moving your body can be deliberate exertion such as going to the gym, taking a walk, or running. Or it can be achieved through a simple exercise:

While standing or sitting, tighten every muscle in your body from your head to your toes. Hold this clenched position for five seconds, release and shake your body. Repeat if needed.

Our breath is a powerfully simple way to inform our body and mind that it's okay to relax. When we are in a state of stress, we often hold our breath or take shallow breaths. By taking deliberate, deep breaths, we deactivate our stress response.

Inhale slowly for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, then breathe out slowly, exhaling until you feel your abdominal muscles clench. Again repeat this as needed.

Crying and laughing are both incredible stress relievers. If you need a good cry, the trick is to focus on how your body feels instead of ruminating on the stressful situation. Give yourself five or ten minutes; crying to relieve stress shouldn't be a long, drawn-out process. With laughter, seek out anything that makes you belly laugh uncontrollably.

Affection, specifically a 20-second hug with someone you trust, offers amazing destressing properties. Both people should stand close together and embrace firmly. This physical and emotional support tells the body to down-regulate, that it is safe to relax and move out of the fight, flight, or flee space we enter during stressful situations.

Outward creative expressions are a healthy and productive way to eliminate stress. This creativity doesn't have to visually manifest as the emotion you feel but the act of creating literally "off-gases" the emotional steam that's built up within. This creativity can be anything - painting, photography, knitting, cooking, writing, building, coloring, sculpting.... Even self-proclaimed non-creatives can find creative outlets for moving themselves through their stress tunnels.

Emily and Amelia Nogoski remind us that stress is not bad for you; being stuck is bad for you.

The next time your stress feels overwhelming and overpowering, use one of the six secrets to get unstuck by moving through the tunnel.

]]><![CDATA[Feeling Burned Out at Work? You're Not Alone]]>Sat, 18 Dec 2021 23:00:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/feeling-burned-out-at-work-youre-not-aloneIn 2021, 42% of women and 35% of men state feeling constantly burned out at work. A new report suggests that pressure put on women to balance work and childcare is leading to disproportionate and painful levels of strain.

The annual Women in the Workplace report from McKinsey & Co. and LeanIn.Org found that the gap between women and men who say they are burned out has nearly doubled in the last year. The survey polled more than 65,000 North American employees, revealing that 42% of women and 35% of men reported feeling burned out often or almost always in 2021, compared to 32% of women and 28% of men last year.

The pandemic has placed considerably more responsibility on women than men, especially those with young and school-aged children. Many women have been forced from their jobs when childcare was unavailable during the early days of the pandemic.

According to the study, one in three women has considered downshifting her career or leaving the workforce altogether in the past twelve months, up from one in four women in 2020.

When couples are faced with a decision on who should step back from work to take on childcare duties—or who should juggle both work and childcare—the pay gap plays an economic role. Since women earn 82 cents on the dollar compared to men, that is frequently a deciding factor for many. That 82 cents gets larger for Black and Latina women, who earn 63 cents and 55 cents on the dollar, according to the Institute for Women’s Policy Research. In the same survey, just 27% of men said they would think about downshifting their careers in 2021.

For those women remaining in the workforce, no wonder they're burned out. Childcare demands aside, women are more likely than men to experience microaggressions at work.

A microaggression, as defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is "a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group."

As an example, the report states that 34% of women senior leaders and 27% of women who are entry-level employees stated their judgment was questioned in their area of expertise, as opposed to 22% of men at each level.

Women also deal with the Double Bind (being viewed as competent or likable, but not both) and the Motherhood Penalty, where their careers are stalled or derailed simply because they are (or will at some point become) parents. Plus, women also do much more for diversity, equity, and inclusion at work, not to mention many other tasks that go unseen, unappreciated, and unpaid, but add to their workload and, by default, their burnout.

If you're one of the many experiencing burnout, evaluating your options and seeking support are two ways to dial down overwhelm and stress. Often, a coach can help guide you to discover ways to find a better balance.

If you could use someone on your side, please reach out to schedule a complimentary phone session to see if coaching can help.

Excerpts attributed to this Time article.

]]><![CDATA[5 Minutes to Stress-Free Decisions]]>Sun, 21 Nov 2021 06:30:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/5-minutes-to-stress-free-decisionsI am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. - Steven Covey

Decisions are part of life, both personally and professionally.

We make hundreds of them everyday without thinking about it but there are some decisions that are harder to make than others.

Have you ever had to make an important decision and had very little time to make it?

Odds are, that left you feeling anxious and seriously stressed out.

This recipe of making a tough call on a tight deadline means we can’t take the time to think things through, or do the research we’d like to help guide us in arriving at a decision. This decision-making pressure cooker environment can also lead to worrying about the fallout of the choice we make.

In a recent Inc. Magazine article, Jeff Steen shares his 5-minute, 4-rung ladder rule as a way to dial down the stress involved with making (and worrying about) tough personal and professional decisions.

Rung #1: Ask two questions

Will this decision have a measurable or noticeable impact on my people, my company, or society?
Is this decision time-sensitive?

If the answer to both questions is NO, there is no need to make a hasty decision. You can take time to weight the options and gather more information.

If you answer YES or MAYBE to one of the questions, move to Rung #2.

Rung #2: Place and time to focus

Dedicate five uninterrupted minutes to focus purely on the decision at hand.
Remove distractions - close the door to your room or office or go someplace quiet where you can think.

Five minutes where you can concentrate without interruptions and distractions enables you to think more clearly and focus on the decision at hand.

Rung #3: Write down fact-based options and outcomes

On a piece of paper, define each option in one sentence. Keep it brief and stick to what you know (facts and verified observations).
Next to each option, write a single sentence describing the most likely outcome. Steen reiterates the importance of sticking to what you know is true, likely, or proven based on fact or observation.

This step, explains Steen, is crucial, as it allows you to map real outcomes to the decision. It also shines a light on options and outcomes that aren’t well-defined and require more clarity before arriving at an informed outcome.

Rung #4: Choose the most desirable options and outcomes

Circle the best possible outcome. Highlight the decision that corresponds to it. This is your #1 choice.
Circle the next best outcome and highlight the corresponding option. If, for whatever reason, your first choice is not possible, this is your backup.

Although this exercise may seem overly simple, what it does, says Steen, is twofold.

First, it forces you to think about each of the identifiable details and facts of a decision, which minimizes being influenced by emotion or external stressors.

Second, the ladder rule trains you to approach decision-making in a very impartial, measured way. After undergoing this exercise several times, you may find that you can mentally climb the "ladder” in your head without needing to write your options down.

So, the next time you are faced with a tough decision, find a quiet space, grab pen and paper, and take five minutes to climb this four-rung ladder.

]]><![CDATA[The Power of Intentionality]]>Sun, 24 Oct 2021 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/the-power-of-intentionalityOur intention creates reality. - Wayne Dyer

Studies have proven that happy, successful individuals have a set routine and habits that keep them focused. One of these practices is taking time each morning to set a daily intention.

Harvard Business School Professor and author Francesca Gino, has conducted considerable research on the science of intentions. She says that setting daily intentions creates a ritual that moves people toward accomplishing their goals. by increasing self-discipline and self-control. And, when we commit those intentions to paper, not only do we remember them, we set ourselves up for action.

Practicing intentionality helps alleviate stress, creating a feeling of inner peace and assuredness that provides a fresh perspective. An intention is simply a promise we make to ourself. Setting aside time to contemplate our purpose for the day ahead allows for the opportunity to collect our thoughts and make a commitment regarding what we want to achieve. It is also about thoughtfully stepping into our attitude and behavior. This positive intention can involve our health and wellbeing, self-care, our career, education, hobbies, social activities, family time.

An intention is a simple statement and should focus on one thing each day. Setting a daily intention starts with the statement, “Today I will…”

Today I will begin a habit of setting daily intentions.
Today I will inquire about enrolling in XYZ class.
Today I will cook and eat healthy meals.
Today I will focus on the positive.
Today I will reach out to three important people to let them know I’m thinking of them.
Today I will complete the outline for my paper.
Today I will practice letting go of things that don’t serve me.
Today I will develop a draft for next year’s marketing plan.

Steps to setting a daily intention practice

Dedicate time every morning to set your daily intention. A good time might be as soon as you get up, before your workout, while you sip your coffee.
Keep track of these intentions by writing them in your day planner, noting it on your phone or calendar, or jotting it in a notebook.
Welcome any discomfort or unmet expectations you may feel. Be gentle with yourself. Rather than turning away, face the discomfort head-on. Give it a name: frustration, fear, uncertainty…. By facing it and calling it out, you help mitigate its power. And, the bigger the unease, the most significant the intention surrounding it.
Ask yourself, “What do I need most right now?”
Write down what personal promise you will make today to bring you what you need.
Strive to keep your feelings and intentions positive, but if what you really need today is to let something negative go, that’s okay. Express this intention: “Today, I am done with…” Worrying about the future. Dwelling on past failures. Letting others take advantage of me. Feeling like I am not good enough. Tomorrow, try to counterbalance the previous day’s negative with a positive affirmation, “Today I will ….” Express my gratitude to others. Live in the moment. Re-connect with an old friend.

Setting daily intentions is a powerful, personal way to look inward and give ourselves what we need. Intentionality can help us reach our goals, both personally and professionally. It is a rudder to steer life in the right direction – day by day.

For more information on the power of using intentions, setting goals, and embracing rituals, read this article by Thrive Global, or read Francesca Gino’s book, Sidetracked: Why Our Decisions Get Derailed, and How We Can Stick to the Plan.

]]><![CDATA[You Are Enough]]>Sun, 26 Sep 2021 05:30:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/you-are-enoughStop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love – you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.
~ Eckhart Tolle

Every person has value, yet we seek validation from others to prove that we have worth.

We need outsiders to tell us that we are intelligent, funny, attractive, talented, brave, successful, important…the list goes on.

By placing your worth in the hands of outsiders, you will be obligated to return to them time and again every time you need validation.

Why is it that we believe these sentiments from others but not from ourselves? Our “inside voice” is more likely to criticize and condemn, to tell us that we aren’t enough.

This simply isn’t true.

The only validation that truly matters is our own. Every person has unique talents and gifts to share with the world. Each one of us gets to decide how we want to live our life, how we want to grow, to give, to define success.

If you find it difficult to speak to yourself with kindness, here are seventeen ways Sharon Martin, LCSW recommends validating yourself.

It’s normal to feel this way
My feelings are valid.
I’m proud of myself.
This is hard. What do I need to cope or feel better?
It’s okay to cry.
I’m making progress.
I gave it my best effort.
I am worthy.
Good job!
I’m more than my accomplishments or failures.
My self-worth isn’t based on other people’s opinions.
Everyone makes mistakes.
My feelings matter and I will listen to what they are telling me.
I trust my instincts.
Not everyone likes me and that’s okay.
I like myself.
I like _________ about myself.

When we stop seeking validation from others, we hold the power of our self-worth. It’s called self-worth for that very reason.

Do not let another day go by where your dedication to other people’s opinions is greater than your dedication to your own emotions. Journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others.” ~Dr. Steve Maraboli

Always remember – you are enough.

]]><![CDATA[Why We Should Admit, "I Don't Know"]]>Sun, 22 Aug 2021 04:30:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/why-we-should-admit-i-dont-knowThree of the most difficult words for many of us to say are, "I don't know."

Culturally and socially, we are conditioned to provide quick, confident answers as a sign of competence and leadership. As a result, there is considerable fear and shame around admitting that we don't know something.

For example, think back to when you were in school. If a teacher called on you for an answer, "I don't know" was not the answer they wanted or expected to hear. And often, it would elicit snickers from classmates.

In our careers, admitting we don't know something to our manager or clients makes us feel inept, inadequate, and uncomfortable.

In most situations, admitting we don't have all the answers makes us feel ashamed and uninformed.

But, in reality, how are we supposed to know everything? The best researchers and scientists always begin from a place of seeking answers and information. This starting point is then admitting that they don't know.

When we admit out loud that we don't have all of the answers, we begin to dispel the chokehold our shame of "not knowing" holds over us. It also helps to normalize that not knowing everything is much more common than the alternative.

Stepping into a space of acknowledging to ourselves and others that we don't know frees us to be curious and learn. Openness and curiosity enable us to increase our competency and knowledge of a subject rather than hide behind the illusion of having all the answers.

One of Shakespeare's famous quotes is, "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."

In a Forbes article titled, "The Power of Saying "I Don't Know," author Gaurav Gutpa writes, For leaders, admitting when you don't know something can be a real opportunity to engage your team if you say, "I don't know, what do you think?" or "I don't know, but I would like to. Can you help me figure it out?" Your willingness to admit when you don't have all the answers and your curiosity to find them will lead to better decision making and greater trust within your team. This authentic approach will speak to your character as a leader. What is less obvious (but no less true) is that asking good questions to find the right answers will also enhance the view of your competence as a leader.

Whether we are a leader in a company, in our family, friend group, or any other capacity, the transparency of stating that we don't have all the information is powerful. It shows wisdom, vulnerability and makes us more approachable.

Our ability to learn about the myriad of subjects that we don't know about is right at our fingertips. Books, YouTube videos, podcasts, online classes and workshops, online research and articles... Our opportunity to become more learned has never been more readily available.

When we step aside from this fear and shame, we can ask questions, engage our curiosity, explore new subjects, and ultimately have more knowledge because we stated, "I don't know."

]]><![CDATA[Rethinking]]>Sun, 25 Jul 2021 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.caroladamski.com/blog/rethinking"Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open." - Ralph Marston

As humans, we like to feel that the ideas, beliefs, and opinions we hold are correct - and those opposing views of others are wrong.

We can often find the error in the ideas other people hold and feel driven to help them rethink their opinions. Still, we are much less inclined to realize that we, too, may benefit from letting go of our attachment to being right, opening our minds to new perspectives, knowledge, and insights so we can rethink and unlearn.

That is what the book, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know by Adam Grant is all about.

Grant suggests that we gravitate toward three distinct styles of communicating what we think we know.

The Preacher: delivering sermons to protect sacred beliefs
The Prosecutor: determined to prove other people's reasoning is faulty and incorrect
The Politician: campaigns and lobbies to win people over to their side of an argument

These "professions" are designed to guard our beliefs so firmly that we shut down any contrary information. We further entrench our viewpoints and opinions through two psychological biases:

Confirmation bias: seeing what we expect to see
Desirability bias: seeing what we want to see

Both confirmation and desirability biases solidify our beliefs, shutting us down to practicing intelligence and instead weaponizing us against knowledge and evidence that goes against what we "know to be true."

A better approach than preaching, prosecuting, and politicking is to think like a scientist.

Scientists seek evidence and data. They test theories with experiments. They are curious and realize they have limits to their understanding. They harness the power of knowing what they don't know. They don't (often) fall victim to the biases mentioned above, which keeps their ideas from becoming ideologies.

Scientists celebrate when they learn something, when new evidence shines a light on an area, illuminating their "unknowing" and even possibly disproving something they thought they knew.

Often, Grant explains, our identities and beliefs are intertwined. By admitting we don't know, are incorrect, or accept new evidence that counters our beliefs, we feel that we are losing part of who we are.

Instead, he offers that we should identify with values rather than specific, strongly held ideas. This opens us up to rethinking, being curious, and having open dialogues with those with different experiences, perspectives, and ideas than our own.

The starting block of rethinking is intellectual humility: knowing and being eager to know what we don't know. New information is continually being discovered or revised.

It's okay to say, "I don't know." Better than to double down on a belief or opinion around which we have no significant data.

It's okay to listen to and possibly even agree with someone else's ideas. We may learn something new or find that we have some common ground even with those who hold opposing views.

It is okay to say, "I don't know enough about this to have an opinion." Admitting we lack information allows us to be curious and embark on a quest to learn. It also begins to make this level of transparency normal, instead of the social requirement to pretend we are knowledgable when we aren't.

It is okay to ask, "I'm curious to learn more about your thinking. How did you arrive at that belief?" This active, open listening helps form relationships, makes connections, and is more apt to engage both people in a dialogue of information sharing versus preaching, prosecuting, or politicking.

The world is a fascinating place filled with fascinating people and information. Appreciate your ability to be a rethinker, one who isn't personally invested in holding onto ideas as a part of their identity.

Remember: the more you know, the more there is to know, to rethink, and unlearn.

If you could benefit from coaching to help you discover how to rethink, be more curious, or transform any part of your personal or professional life, contact Carol for a complimentary phone meeting.

]]>