Saying no to a friend, coworker, loved one, or even your manager can be awkward and uncomfortable but is a skill that many of us need to develop. Refusing a request can be done in a way that maintains relationships and doesn’t blanket you with guilt.
 
Patti Breitman says in her book, “How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty, ”Saying no comfortably and without guilt requires you to really think about what you stand for. Why are you saying no? As you learn to eliminate unwanted obligations from your life, what are you making room for? When you can identify and embrace your priorities and focus on what you want more of—for example, time with the family, money for an important project or cause—you feel more justified saying no in order to pursue those goals.”
 
When we say yes but really want to say no, we are focused on pleasing others to the potential detriment of our time, our wellbeing, and our boundaries.

We all have goals and dreams, things we aspire to achieve. But there are those of us who seem to make steady progress toward these achievements while others of us always seem to fall short.
 
What is the defining factor between these two groups?
 
People who fail to make progress toward their goals don’t take the time to reflect on what didn’t work. Instead, they continue on with the same habits, attitudes, and decisions that lead them to their current place of stagnation.
 
This is like a ship’s captain setting a course at the outset of the voyage and never making adjustments, even after encountering winds, strong currents, and storms that pushed the ship off course. 
 
On the flip side, successful people regularly take time to reflect on the past. This is as important as planning for the future, and in fact, helps guide them toward aligning their behaviors, habits, schedules, and decisions with their desired outcome of success.

​As a society, our primary focus is on achievement and success. The pressure to perform and the heightened expectation of success is a burden that weighs us down, decreasing our enthusiasm and robbing us of the ability to experience joy. 
 
An accomplished life frequently equates to our career. But there is so much more to life than work. When we define our life’s purpose solely on our level of success in our jobs, this can leave us feeling devoid of joy.
 
In her book, “Joyful,” Ingrid Fetell Lee reveals how important it is to nurture joy in our lives.
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Joy is all about feeling good in the moment. Kindled by our five senses, joy is what we feel when we watch puppies playing, hear the belly laugh of a baby, see the stunning beauty of a rainbow, or are immersed in the rich serene colors of a sunset.

Find your passion and you’ll never work another day in your life.
 
We’ve all heard people say this, or maybe we’ve even been given this advice. We’re told we will wake up each and every day feeling like life is a vacation. Work will be easy and fun. We will be excited, motivated, and inspired because we will live every day doing what we love.
 
But what if you’re someone who doesn’t have a passion, or hasn’t discovered it yet? Or maybe the thing you’re passionate about can’t financially support you and your family?

What then?
 
To paraphrase Steve Jobs, passion helps you persevere during the tough times. 

It doesn’t mean life will always be fun or easy. But doing something you are passionate about will keep you in the game, give you the mental and emotional fortitude to hang in there when quitting seems like the easiest option.  
 
There is a big difference between work that makes us happy and work that is meaningful. The way many people talk about finding our passion makes it sound like this will make us happy.  But if we find work that has meaning, it may be potentially more challenging but it also gives us a higher level of career fulfillment and satisfaction. 
 
If we get caught up in the “passion trap,” many of us will be on an endless search, leaving us feeling disillusioned. In our quest for happiness over meaning, we might end up overlooking or dismissing some really great career opportunities. 
 
Instead, let’s reframe how we view work. 
 
Sometimes, we need to find work that works for us. This means assessing our lives at this point in time and making responsible decisions. What this doesn’t mean is staying in or taking a job we hate or that sucks the life out of us. But it is absolutely acceptable to work in a job that you aren’t passionate about if you need to pay the mortgage, pay off student loans, or support yourself.  That is perfectly okay and for many of us, this is realistic and responsible. We can find meaning in work that works for us where we are, right now.
 
Passion shouldn’t always be the driving force for work. If that were the case, there would most like be a LOT of us who simply wouldn’t be employed.
 
Instead, if we apply the best of ourselves to something and do our utmost to learn and grow, quite often we can find meaningful work. It won’t always be fun. It won’t always be easy. It sure as heck won’t feel like every day is a vacation. But it will be fulfilling.  
 
To hear more about this topic, listen to the Pick the Brain podcast episode called “What we’ve been told about passion is BS.”

Rejection is not something most people enjoy or even understand how to effectively handle. Typically, we do our best to avoid rejection because, let’s face it, being refused hurts. It makes us uncomfortable, fearful, and embarrassed. It erodes our self-confidence and makes us doubt our self-worth.
 
Yet like most things in life, rejection is a reality. We can do our best to run from it but is that really doing us any good?
 
By developing a healthy relationship with rejection, we can come to terms with it, using it to our advantage. When we shift our rejection mindset from one of fear to opportunity, we can reframe it as a chance to stay engaged, offer explanations, and even negotiate. 

​Making the most of our time means knowing what tasks we need to do, when to do them, and how to accomplish the best work in the shortest amount of time.
 
In short, we have to decide every day what tasks strategically align with our objectives at work, at home, in life.
 
There is no magic way to achieve this but rather multiple ways to increase our personal ROI.
 
Urgent VS Important
Our brains are drawn to immediately respond to urgency. But just because something is urgent does not equate to it also being of high importance. Urgent tasks highjack our attention from important work that advances us toward our goals.  Before undertaking any task, ask yourself, “Is this important?” If not, make a note of it to address later instead of dropping everything to tackle it immediately.

Studies have shown that a good majority of us complain once each minute during a conversation.

​Why do we engage in this behavior so frequently?

Because it feels good. But just because it feels good doesn’t mean it is good for us.

In fact, research shows that complaining is damaging to our health.

​Any time we repeat a behavior, it becomes easier and easier. This is true of things that are good for us as well as bad.  Just as paths in a meadow that are traveled frequently become more defined, so do the cognitive pathways that we exercise become more enduring. When we continually complain, our brain rewires itself by building neurological information bridges. As we complain more and more, these bridges become more distinct, resulting in this negative pattern developing into a default behavior.

We’ve all encountered people (possibly even ourselves) who can’t make a decision, even about the simplest of things. The tendency to be tentative or uncertain, especially on a regular basis, can negatively impact our creativity, result in anxiety and depression, as well lead to conflict with others as they become impatient with our lack of progress.

According to UK-based psychotherapist, Karin Sieger, there are times in life when indecisiveness has an upside. This is especially true when we are going through a significant transition in life. Often we need to settle into our new normal before we implement any additional decisions.

There are many reasons for the inability to make decisions including:

• Fear of making a mistake
• Lack of trust in ourselves to make the right decision
• Avoiding blame
• Risk aversion
• Not having the proper decision-making tools
• Being afraid to say no and instead, taking a stance of uncertainty
• Fear our decision may cause conflict with others
• An inability to make commitments

Many of us lack boundaries in all aspects of our life.We allow others to make demands on us as well as our time without our permission. Instead, we acquiesce for fear of hurting someone’s feelings, being excluded, or simply out of obligation.

This absence of personal boundaries teaches others that we can and will do what they ask of us, no matter how inconvenient. And those same people will continue to test this lack of boundaries, always pushing to see if we will go one step further, put up with one more inconvenience, take on one more project at work.

One large contributing factor to a lack of personal limits is our smartphones, tablets, and computers. There is a prevailing belief that we MUST respond instantaneously to an email, text, social media post, or phone call.  Being tethered to our devices keeps us at the mercy of others, enabling them to make demands on us anytime and anywhere.

Establishing unyielding boundaries are an indicator of our relationship with ourselves.These limiters are indicative that we value ourselves and firmly believe that we are entitled to determining what demands or requests we accept or decline. These personal restrictions shouldn’t be compromised or altered to fit different situations or relationships. Setting healthy boundaries helps reduce the drama, chaos, obligation, and stress the results from taking on other people’s problems or agreeing to participate in something that doesn’t serve us.

When we fail to set steadfast boundaries for ourselves, we openly allow others to take advantage of us.  Establishing and adhering to healthy boundaries are representative of the respect for ourselves, our values, and our time. These restrictions do not mean we care less for others but rather that we are honoring our needs and standing up for ourselves.

If you are one of the many who don’t have limitations in place or whose boundaries are much more fluid than they should be, here are five steps to defining and implementing healthy personal boundaries.

1. Identify your core values
​Determine exactly what things are important to you in all areas of your life: work, family, friends, romantic relationships, etc. This step is not about avoiding or trying to appease others but should be about you. They should focus on things that allow you to minimize stress and anxiety, allow creativity and productivity, and maintain a sense of personal satisfaction and stability.