Category: Life Tips

Great Expectations

4/23/2022

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. - Anne Lamott

Our expectations determine our experience. And more often than not, reality doesn't live up to our expectations.

By definition, expectations are the hope of what may be.

We expect to lose 15 pounds, get that big promotion, ace that exam, or make X salary.

We expect our spouse/partner to make dinner, notice the dirty countertop, or cheer us on while running a marathon.

We expect our coworker to be detail-oriented, inquire about our weekend, or volunteer to help with an important project.

We expect our manager to express appreciation for our exemplary work and provide helpful constructive feedback.

We expect our vacation to be a dream trip filled with excitement, romance, sunkissed days and star-filled evenings.

Instead, we experience something very different. An ongoing battle with the scale, a solid B on the exam, a different promotion, and falling short of that income increase.

How We Converse: More Than Meets the Ear

3/26/2022

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone, and it was so easy and fun? When it was over, you walked away thinking, "Wow! What a great conversation!" How about exchanges that feel awkward, or maybe you felt misunderstood and frustrated?

Communication is an essential part of life. We communicate with family, friends, strangers, coworkers, and many others.

We share information, solve problems, agree on a course of action, and socialize through communication.

Yet so often, because of different styles of communicating, our meaning and intention may be lost or misinterpreted by others, leading to misunderstandings and, at times, conflict.

Completing the Stress Cycle

1/22/2022

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes- including you. - Anne Lamott

Stress is a common experience. We encounter stress at work, at home, in our social lives, and relationships.

As defined by socratic.org, stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances, whereas stressors are the factors that cause stress.

In the book, Burnout, The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, authors Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, reveal that removing the stressor doesn't negate the stress. To alleviate or mitigate the stress we feel in our mind and body, we have to move through the emotional stress cycle.

This insight is valuable because there are often stressors in our lives over which we have no control.

The Power of Intentionality

10/23/2021

Our intention creates reality. - Wayne Dyer

Studies have proven that happy, successful individuals have a set routine and habits that keep them focused. One of these practices is taking time each morning to set a daily intention.

Harvard Business School Professor and author Francesca Gino, has conducted considerable research on the science of intentions. She says that setting daily intentions creates a ritual that moves people toward accomplishing their goals. by increasing self-discipline and self-control. And, when we commit those intentions to paper, not only do we remember them, we set ourselves up for action.

Practicing intentionality helps alleviate stress, creating a feeling of inner peace and assuredness that provides a fresh perspective. An intention is simply a promise we make to ourself. Setting aside time to contemplate our purpose for the day ahead allows for the opportunity to collect our thoughts and make a commitment regarding what we want to achieve. It is also about thoughtfully stepping into our attitude and behavior. This positive intention can involve our health and wellbeing, self-care, our career, education, hobbies, social activities, family time.

An intention is a simple statement and should focus on one thing each day. Setting a daily intention starts with the statement, “Today I will…”

You Are Enough

9/25/2021

Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love – you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.
~ Eckhart Tolle

Every person has value, yet we seek validation from others to prove that we have worth.

We need outsiders to tell us that we are intelligent, funny, attractive, talented, brave, successful, important…the list goes on.

By placing your worth in the hands of outsiders, you will be obligated to return to them time and again every time you need validation.

Why is it that we believe these sentiments from others but not from ourselves? Our “inside voice” is more likely to criticize and condemn, to tell us that we aren’t enough.

This simply isn’t true.

Why We Should Admit, "I Don't Know"

8/21/2021

Three of the most difficult words for many of us to say are, "I don't know."

Culturally and socially, we are conditioned to provide quick, confident answers as a sign of competence and leadership. As a result, there is considerable fear and shame around admitting that we don't know something.

For example, think back to when you were in school. If a teacher called on you for an answer, "I don't know" was not the answer they wanted or expected to hear. And often, it would elicit snickers from classmates.

In our careers, admitting we don't know something to our manager or clients makes us feel inept, inadequate, and uncomfortable.

Rethinking

7/24/2021

"Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open." - Ralph Marston

As humans, we like to feel that the ideas, beliefs, and opinions we hold are correct - and those opposing views of others are wrong.

We can often find the error in the ideas other people hold and feel driven to help them rethink their opinions. Still, we are much less inclined to realize that we, too, may benefit from letting go of our attachment to being right, opening our minds to new perspectives, knowledge, and insights so we can rethink and unlearn.

That is what the book, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know by Adam Grant is all about.

Grant suggests that we gravitate toward three distinct styles of communicating what we think we know.

The Preacher: delivering sermons to protect sacred beliefs
The Prosecutor: determined to prove other people's reasoning is faulty and incorrect
The Politician: campaigns and lobbies to win people over to their side of an argument

These "professions" are designed to guard our beliefs so firmly that we shut down any contrary information. We further entrench our viewpoints and opinions through two psychological biases:

The Burden of the Mental Load

6/19/2021

In most relationships - even modern progressive ones - one person typically spends more time doing most of the thinking work or what's known as carrying the mental load.

Mental load is a term that refers to the invisible work done to manage and oversee a household and family.

Known for his research on relationships, Dr. John Gottman discovered a "magic ratio" of positive to negative interactions in every relationship. Five or more expressions of appreciation for every negative interaction keep a relationship strong.

Since the mental load is unseen by others, the time, effort, and energy of managing this ongoing work goes unnoticed and unappreciated. This lack of gratitude can unbalance the "magic ratio," resulting in a build-up of resentment and frustration.

The Importance of Self-Improvement

5/22/2021

Self-improvement is a valuable gift we can give ourselves. It's something we can benefit from at any age. It creates self-awareness, greater resilience and flexibility, a sense of direction, deeper, more meaningful relationships, the ability to identify and move in confidence toward our goals, and a happier, more fulfilled life.

Learning shouldn't take place only when we're in a school or educational setting. When we leave formal schooling, that's when we take it upon ourselves to continue to learn, grow, and improve ourselves.

Self-improvement allows us to identify what's resonates with us, pinpoint our innate strengths and outline opportunities for growth. It broadens our horizons and perspective, allowing us to (hopefully) see alternate viewpoints and ideas. It shines a light on who we are as a person, giving us a better understanding of what motivates us and frightens us. This personal understanding leads to a more meaningful relationship with ourself and, as a result, with others.

Personal development benefits us in our careers and workplaces, enabling us to communicate more clearly and in ways others can "hear" and understand. It can give us the skills to stand up for ourself and others, to take a risk, to explore possibilities, to have hard but open and honest conversations.

Wondering how you can embark on a journey of self-improvement? Here are seven ways to get started down the path of improving you.

1. Read
Find subjects that interest and intrigue you, or thing you don't know much about but would like to. It can be anything - cooking, art, social justice, history, writing, bird watching, gardening. Whatever the topic, there are sure to be many books from which to choose. For those who don't enjoy reading, most books are also available in an audio format.

The Importance of Self-Perception

4/23/2021

Self-perception is, simply put, how we view ourselves. This lens through which we view everything influences our mood, behavior, attitude, beliefs, and judgment. Suppose we hold a primarily positive view of ourselves. In that case, this spills over into how we view the world, becoming cyclical as it leads to even more positive behaviors, habits, and ideas.

Self-perception is a core component of our identity. When we achieve something like a degree, promotion, or other accomplishments, our confidence and perception of ourselves are boosted.

Individuals with positive self-perception are grounded in the (unconscious) belief that they are worthy, have value, and are intelligent and competent. People with negative perceptions of themselves tend to believe they are worthless, invaluable, and incompetent. Their self-talk is defeating, their self-esteem is diminished, and they see the world as more negative.

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